Embracing My Own Style: Fashion, Confidence, and the Journey with an Ostomy Bag

I have always loved fashion. Growing up in the early 2000’s, I grew up collecting J-14 teen magazines and seeing all these beautiful women in outfits that radiated confidence and the style of that early era. I imagined myself in those clothes and fantasized about how the bold colors, body-hugging dresses,  and oversized jackets, that made a statement would look on my body.

However, my reality was different. My reality was different because I was born into this world with the odds stacked against me. As an infant, l underwent a surgery that left me with colostomy bag before I even knew what it meant to be “normal.” Growing up, I never quite felt like I belonged anywhere or amongst any group of individuals. My childhood was unlike most children as it was marked by hospital visits, medical term I didn’t understand, and a body l couldn’t quite connect with. For as long as I can remember, my body didn’t feel like my own.

Then, by the time I turned 21, I had had been through another surgery that left, me with an ileostomy bag. A new chapter in my life began, not because I had chosen it, but because it was the only way for me to continue living. That same year, my body dysmorphia kicked in big time. I couldn’t help but feel like my body betrayed me, like I was somehow less than the other women around me. I was suppose to have been entering my prime. My prime was being 21 and full of life. My prime was supposed to consist of me figuring out who I was and what l wanted. Instead, I was faced with a challenged that made me not connect the image I was seeing in the mirror with the bodily image I had imagined for myself. There was absolutely no alignment. I felt like a stranger in my own body!

Thrifting became my therapy.  It gave me the opportunity to curate a wardrobe that reflected my individuality. I no longer saw my ileostomy bag as something to be ashamed of but rather a part of me. It wasn’t a flaw but now accepted by me as a testament to my resilience.  Being able to see my bag in a positive light was monumental because I had become hyper-aware. I felt every shift, every movement, and was convinced that everyone around me could see it. The ironic thing was that no one even noticed it. If they happened to have noticed it, they honestly didn’t care. I started to realize that the only person obsessing over my body was me.  That realization freed me to be able to enjoy fashion which motivated me to give my focus more to the uniqueness and beauty of the clothing I found at thrift stores rather than my bag.  The more I went out thrift shopping, the more I was able to experiment with fashion by my terms and in my way.  There have also been lessons that I have learned also.

One of the most valuable lessons I have learned is that there’s a difference between fashion and confidence. Fashion is the clothes you wear—the external expression of who you are. But confidence is something deeper. It’s accepting who you are, flaws and all, and deciding that you’re worthy of taking up space in this world. For years, I had let my body control how I felt about myself, but confidence was about reclaiming that power.  Since gaining that understanding, I started embracing the things I always wanted to wear as a child but shunned myself away from. I stopped hiding behind oversized clothes and opted for fitted dresses, bold prints, and the modest 60s style instead. The more I experimented with my personal style, the more I started to accept and even love the body I had been given.

I started sharing my journey online by connecting with others who had similar experiences such as women with ostomy bags, women with disabilities, and women who felt like their bodies didn’t fit into the narrow definitions society created. The more I opened up, the more I realized that I wasn’t alone and that made a difference in my life.  Their stories and no longer feeling alone empowered me to open myself up to at least try things I had never done before and make some dreams come true.  Since fashion, for me, became a tool not just for expressing my creativity but for discovering my confidence, I took a leap of faith and decided to participate in Orlando Fashion Week when I found out about it.  Not only was it a dream come true, but it also allowed me to show the world that you can redefine beauty and confidence, no matter what life has dealt you. I have also modeled a friend’s who was in the need of portfolio building photos for their photography business.  Each time I stepped in front of the camera, I felt a sense of freedom and joy that I had never experienced before.  Experiencing just those two opportunities have strengthened and empowered me to never limit myself, nor put myself in a box.  Just like fashion, my pick is limitless.

Now that I’m 24, I look in the mirror and I see a woman who is still learning, still growing, but who is undeniably proud of how far she’s come and fashion, undoubtedly, has helped me be able to do that.  Fashion helped me find my voice, but confidence allowed me to truly speak. I may never have the body I once imagined for myself, but the body I have is enough. And that’s a kind of beauty that no amount of fabric can replace.