Self Confidence and Purposeful Visibility with an Ostomy

Falling ill and being diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease at 17 was hard. In some aspects, being told at 18 that I would need an ostomy was even harder. It felt so definitive and isolating. Though I knew I needed it, and that it would offer relief, at times it felt like a symbol of my failure. I had failed all my treatments, I had failed to function normally, and this was my “punishment.” These were the quiet, but still present thoughts in my mind.

In a society that stigmatizes the conversations that we need to have the most, it’s hard to find your place as a teen/young adult wearing your stool on your abdomen. What will people say? What will they think of me? How will I explain? Will my body ever be seen as attractive ever again? These topics constantly overwhelmed me. Was I suddenly as gross as stigmas said?  Is my beauty forever tainted? Should I hide away like so many ostomates do? Was that what I deserved? Did I fight this hard to live, and this hard to shine, just to end up choosing to dim my own light? No. The answer is no. And that is an answer that I strive to remind myself of each and every day.

Having the will and desire to persevere through trials and tribulations is a beautiful thing. To be given a second chance at life is a beautiful thing. When we see these characteristics in the journeys of others, we admire them and see the beauty in their fight. So why should we treat ourselves any differently? Why should you, and why should I? We shouldn’t. We deserve to live loudly, proudly, and boldly. And in deciding to do so, I have chosen to take stigma head on.

When I started walking through life with this new perspective, I began to see beauty in places I had never seen it before. And I came to see it in myself like never before. When a 20 year old me looks in the mirror, I see that once scared and embarrassed 17 year old girl looking right back at me. I remind myself to only do upon myself what she deserves. And what she deserves is everything and more. But on this journey, I’ve decided to not only take myself, but also the society we live within. I don’t want to only change my own mind, I want to change society’s. I don’t want only myself to feel liberated, I want all ostomates to feel so. So as a patient advocate, I am intentional and purposeful with my visibility. Because when facing stigma, we must consider its roots.

It is important to ask ourselves, are we witnessing hate, or are we witnessing lack of education? Do those who I feel may judge my ostomy hate ostomies? Or is the concept just so far from their reality? Knowing how to decipher the two is important. Because within the difference between them is hope, is opportunity, is space for change, and more. The difference between them is the chance for awareness to plant the seeds of a more inclusive society. A space that is further educated is a space that becomes both more empathetic, and more diverse.

So I wear my ostomy out, loudly, boldly, and confidently. I do it in hopes that I’ll show someone something they’ve only heard about in a negative light, and flip that perspective on its head. In hopes that I can positively represent life on the other side of getting an ostomy. I want ostomates who are hiding the device that saved their life to see me living freely with mine and be encouraged to do the same. I want little black girls and boys with medical devices of their own to see me and also dare to openly be different.

I hope that the life my ostomy gave back to me emanates off me wherever I go. And that step by step, person by person, post by post, the world slowly becomes a safer place for the next new ostomate. Because by changing the lens through which we view ourselves, we can change how others view us too.

So I call on my fellow ostomates so give yourselves what you deserve. Liberation! Freedom! Room to take up space! Dare to love yourself not in spite of your “scars”, but because of them and all that they contribute to this journey of breaking down both society’s stigmas, and your own.